The Insatiable Appetite
by meh.gome
Summary: Hermione's gone insane... she has some kind of disease that involves her and every quidditch player ever to pass through the halls of Hogwarts! Harry wants to know what's wrong with his friend... and what does Malfoy have to do with it?
1. Default Chapter

HARRY POTTER AND HERMIONE'S INSATIABLE APPETITE FOR QUIDDDITCH PLAYERS. One day, Harry Potter looked outside his window in his dormitory and said, "Yawn! What a great day to play Quidditch!" But seeing as how it was Quidditch off-season, he abandoned that idea right away. "What to do? What to do?"  
  
He looked around at his friend Ron, who was having a dream about Viktor Krum, Hermione's boyfriend. He was thrashing around, muttering, "Leave her alone. She loves me!!"  
  
But Harry knew very well that Hermione did indeed love Viktor Krum. He had in fact found out that Hermione had an Athlete fetish, and went after any guy who flew a broom. He knew this because one day he was alone in the changing room, or so he thought. He heard the door open and close and he thought that it was just Wood coming in to give him a pep talk, but it was Hermione. Harry was standing in the middle of the floor with his pants at his feet when Hermione flew at him and started assaulting him with a rash set of kisses "Hey Harry, do you want me to polish your broomstick for you?"  
  
Harry was appalled at his best friend's behavior. "Hermione, what the hell's going on?" he asked.  
  
"I love you, Harry! And I love the Weasley twins and I love Oliver Wood and I love all the people on all the Quidditch teams! I want to screw them all!"  
  
Harry was shocked at her yells of madness and threw her off. "Even Malfoy? And Cho Chang? And Katie and Angelina and Alicia?" he asked. "Yes!" she yelled. "Anything for the game of Quidditch!"  
  
He looked at her shockingly and asked, "Hermione? Do you even know how to play Quidditch?"  
  
She shook her head and said, "No! But I LOVE QUIDDITCH PLAYERS!"  
  
Harry decided that Hermione was insane and said, " You know what, we can't tell Ron about this because he loves you, Hermione."  
  
" I thought as much," she mused, still laying on the ground. "Oh, well, I tried my best to lure you with my charms. But you refuse!" She began to cry. But a few seconds later she got off the floor and said, "Oh, well, there's always Wood." she turned around to go but Harry motioned for her to stay.  
  
"Wait! Okay! Go ahead and sleep with all the people on the Quidditch teams, but don't tell Ron because he'll be heartbroken."  
  
She pursed her lips and said, "Deal."  
  
From then on out, Hermione didn't care for homework. She still managed to come out at the top of every class, but at the same time was very busy bedding all the male Quidditch players in the school. Pretty soon, she had ruined everyone except Harry and the female players. "Hermione, you have to stop doing this! You are getting a really bad reputation!" Harry said to her one day.  
  
"I don't care. I LOVE QUIDDITCH!"  
  
Harry left Ron in the dormitory to continue his dream and he went into the common room to find Hermione crying. "Hermione, what's wrong?" he asked, looking worried.  
  
"It's Malfoy! When I slept with him, he gave me some kind of horrible disease." Harry wanted to back away, but remained where he stood.  
  
"Er- What kind of disease?"  
  
She flung herself across a couch. "It's too horrible to say!" Harry decided that she was best left alone.  
  
Harry went down to breakfast to find Malfoy alone at the Slytherin table. Harry went over to Malfoy and sat down. "Okay, Malfoy. What kind of disease did you give Hermione?" he asked, peering into Malfoy's face.  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Potter. I have no diseases." Malfoy buttered a piece of toast and handed it to Harry.  
  
"Well, that's not what she said! She said you gave her a disease, and she won't even talk about it!" Harry looked into Malfoy's face once more, and Malfoy poured Harry a glass of orange juice.  
  
"Ohh. I know what disease you're talking about. And if you must know, I really didn't want to give it to her. I was saving it for Pansy Parkinson," Malfoy drawled, piling some bacon onto Harry's plate.  
  
"Well, what kind of disease did you give her?"  
  
Malfoy smirked and simply said, "Love." Harry dropped the bacon in shock. "LOVE? You mean. she. you! Love? You know how to love?"  
  
Malfoy smirked again, and reached across the table to tuck a napkin into Harry's shirt front. "Yes, Potter, I know how to love. In fact, I'm quite the ladies man."  
  
Harry marveled at how calm Malfoy remained. "Well. do you love her? I mean, that is to say." Harry was at a loss of words.  
  
"Would it upset you if I was?" asked Malfoy with a glint of fire in his eyes.  
  
"Well.yeah!"  
  
Malfoy reached over and dropped a fried egg onto Harry's plate. "Well, I'm sorry then, Potter, because it's true. I love the little Mudblood, and there's nothing she, you, or I can do about it.  
  
"Well, run along then," Malfoy continued, wiping Harry's mouth.  
  
"Uh, thanks," said Harry, getting up and throwing down three galleons. "Here's a little something for your troubles." Malfoy winked at Harry and licked his lips. Harry started to wonder if Malfoy was perhaps a little gay.  
  
Harry went back to the common room, to find Hermione still huddled up on the couch. "Listen, Hermione," Harry started. " I know that you love Malfoy, but it's really not so bad!  
  
" Well, I mean, yeah, it is pretty weird, but Malfoy's one hell of a swingin' cat, and a real stand-up guy to boot!" Harry lied, petting Hermione's hair.  
  
"Oh, yes, very 'stand up.' He's so stand-up, he could work at a comedy club. Honestly Harry, why does this sort of thing always happen to me?" Harry thought. And he thought and he thought and he thought. Then he said, "Because you're friends with me, and I'm the Boy Who Lived! Everything happens to me and my friends. And besides, Hermione, he loves you, too! He even told me so!"  
  
Hermione looked up at him and gave a weak smile. "Really, Harry?"  
  
Harry grimly nodded. "But trust me, he's not happy about being in love with you."  
  
Hermione smiled at this. "I wouldn't imagine as much. Seeing as how he was gay," she said. " Harry, I think he really fancied you before he fell in love with me."  
  
Harry laughed, remembering the wink. "Shall we have a threesome, then?" Harry asked, jokingly.  
  
"Why not?" asked Hermione, smiling.  
  
Harry was about to tell her that he had been joking, but then remembered number twenty-three on his to do list; "Have a threesome with Hermione, various." He had originally wanted to write Ron instead of various, but realized that he might have instead wanted another girl, but he wasn't sure whether Hermione would have been up to it. If it could have been another person, he wouldn't have picked Malfoy, but seeing as how all three of the parties seemed to imply that it was a good idea, he decided why not? 


	2. Uncertain Musings

The next few days dragged on in a very strange manner. Harry became more and more keen on the idea that he himself had pitched to Hermione, and the two of them began to plan for the event. They soon realized how hard it was to keep from Ron, however. Whenever the three would pass Malfoy in the hall, he would sneer but never say anything. But when Ron wasn't looking, he would blow kisses and wink.  
  
Pretty soon, Harry started to enjoy the extra attention payed to him by Malfoy. He often found himself staring at Malfoy's glittering hair in Potions, much to the amusement of Snape, who would give Harry weird looks when he stared at Malfoy. They would brush by each other in the halls, never making eye contact, but smiling all the same. Crabbe and Goyle even seemed to lay off the bullying, instead giving Harry and Hermione a curt nod in the halls.  
  
Ron, who was not stupid, began to wonder what was going on. "What the hell do you think's wrong with Malfoy these days?" he asked one day in Transfiguration. "He doesn't abuse us as much anymore. In fact, he doesn't abuse us at all." Harry and Hermione cast apprehensive glances at each other.  
  
"Ummm. I think that Professor McGonnagal straightened him out, or something." Hermione lied, casting a glance at the Professor herself, who was instructing Neville on how to turn a toad into a magical mushroom.  
  
Ron sat silently, thinking about this for a while. "Oh. Okay!" he said, proceeding to roll up some of his own magical mushroom in a zigzag paper, licking the edges. "So what are we doing on Friday night?" Ron asked, lighting the blunt using his wand.  
  
Harry and Hermione cast another glance at one another. "Um. Professor Snape gave the both of us detention the other night, so we won't be around." Said Harry quickly.  
  
"Yes, that's right," Said Hermione. "We were, uh, being too loud in Potions, and we have detention on Friday night."  
  
Ron, drawing in a deep breath of mushroom smoke, said, "I don't remember you getting detention. Where was I?"  
  
Harry, thinking quickly said, "You were. in the lavatories. Drinking some Fire whiskey."  
  
Ron didn't look surprised. "Yes, I probably was," said Ron, his eyes glazed over. "Do either of you have any milk?"  
  
Hermione verified with Malfoy that Friday night was the night. Malfoy said that all was cool, they should only tell him the place and the time. "So, where are we going to. meet?" asked Hermione, looking expectantly at Harry.  
  
"Hum, how about the Room of Requirements?"  
  
Hermione shook her head. "No, ever since we told all those people about it during last year, now Ginny and her friends all go and sniff floo powder in there."  
  
Harry was suddenly struck with an idea. "Hey, how about an empty classroom? Goodness knows there's plenty of them around here."  
  
Hermione regarded him and said, "Okay, but we are using every locking charm imaginable to man to close that door." Friday came, fast and loose like a ten-sickle hooker. Harry went to his classes, carefully avoiding Malfoy's gaze all day. He was sort of jealous that Hermione and Malfoy were in love. In fact, if Harry had it his way, Hermione wouldn't even be coming with them. But he remembered that he had never slept with her, and seeing as how he was the last house player left to conquer he decided to let her sleep with him, as a favor.  
  
Hermione, however, claimed that the disease was subsiding. " I don't think I love him anymore," she mused on their way to the classroom on Friday night. " But he is one nice piece of ass. And besides, he's an okay guy now, and he might still be in love with me!" she said.  
  
The both of them had a hard time throwing Ron off. Earlier that day, Ron had found a poem that Harry had written about Malfoy. It went something like this.  
You are so beautiful  
  
To me, can't you see?  
  
I didn't think I could possibly  
  
Feel  
  
This way.  
  
But only because you are  
  
So incredible  
  
Do I feel as if I would  
  
Fall.  
  
And die.  
  
For you.  
  
When Ron approached Harry about the poem, Harry lied and said that he had written it about a pretty girl he had seen in the hall, to which Ron questioned him endlessly until Hermione claimed that they had to go for their detention.  
  
They now stood together outside the empty classroom they had agreed on, and were about to enter. Malfoy was already inside, sitting on the ground, his robes on the floor and his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It was almost totally dark in the classroom, and Malfoy said, "Well, if it isn't my two best friends.with benefits? Potter and Granger do come in."  
  
Harry's head spun at the sound of Malfoy calling him a friend, nonetheless one with benefits. "Granger, I must tell you. I don't really love you anymore. I love Harry now." Harry's hair stood up on end. He had never heard Malfoy call him- Harry. Just Potter. Maybe he should start calling Malfoy- Draco. Harry's eyes widened at the prospect of -Draco and him becoming lovers.  
  
"But that still doesn't mean that you can't join us!" He leapt to his feet quite gracefully, taking both of their hands in his own. Draco smirked and looked deeply into his eyes, foretelling what he wanted to do to Harry.  
  
He also looked at Hermione, who looked happy as well. She was smiling, and her eyes were darting back and forth between Harry and Draco. "Actually, boys, I would love to stay, but I just remembered that I wanted to finish some extra credit for. well, I just want to do some extra credit. So, I'm going to go."  
  
Draco nodded and said "Uh, thanks. Hermione, that's awfully nice of you." Draco's eyes met Harry's once more, and he suddenly proclaimed "Muggle contraceptives! We don't want diseases, don't you know. I'll go get some, you stay here Pot- Uh, Harry." And Harry knew his eyes weren't deceiving him when Draco gave him a strangely vulnerable look and strode out of the room.  
  
"Hermione, I'm kind of scared to be alone with him. Seeing as how I used to hate him, you know."  
  
Hermione looked at him with knowing eyes. "I know, Harry. I think this whole situation is kind of weird. But it fits, too. You and Malfoy have been enemies for as long as I've known you, but there's also an intense heat around the outside of you two, especially when you show love for each other."  
  
Harry regarded Hermione with an apprehensive gaze. "Do you er- really think that he- uh. loves me?"  
  
Hermione looked at him with a smile. "He's always loved you he's just had a very strange way of showing it. And Harry, I know you're worried and you probably think it's wrong to love another man in- well, in that way, but it just doesn't matter. Because it fits. You know it does. And even if you don't love him yet, you certainly do fancy him, even Ron has been able to see that."  
  
Harry furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.  
  
" Harry. Ron's not dumb. He's seen you looking at Malfoy for the past week or so. Plus, you did title that poem Ode to Malfoy, which was kind of a giveaway. He doesn't care, Harry. He just wants you to be happy.  
  
"And speaking of what Ron wants, I've been thinking about it for quite some time, and. I think I fancy him, as well. Plus he does play quidditch, kind of. So I think I will invite him to another classroom tonight." she said, looking around the room they stood in, which was slowly growing darker.  
  
Harry was happy for Ron and Hermione, and he knew that everything would work itself out in the end. "Well, I best be going to get Ron before Malfoy comes back." she walked toward the door, but before she left, she turned on her heel and said "Oh, and Harry. He's good. I mean, really good." She raised her eyebrows and closed the door behind her, leaving Harry smiling in the darkness.  
  
Two minutes later, the door opened and closed. Harry turned toward the figure that stood still in front of the door. All was darkness, but Harry knew what to do. He moved toward the figure and stood, wordless, for a few seconds.  
  
Harry apprehensively slipped his arm around Draco's waist, and Draco responded by standing rigid. He pressed his lips to Draco's thin, closed, chapped lips. Harry put his free hand on Draco's face and felt Draco's long, hook nose, Draco's sandpaper skin, and ran his hands through Draco's long, greasy hair. 


End file.
